I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
there is glitter all over my balls
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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