does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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