i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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