I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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