First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
