well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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