So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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