Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
