just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
