The maid of honor just puked.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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