i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
