I think my vagina is haunted
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
