1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
