I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
