I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
