just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
