Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
