i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All the doctor said was why
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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