I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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