walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
