No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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