He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
