I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
