I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
