You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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