I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
