Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
