I'm pants shitting drunk right now
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
