There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
