rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
