I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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