Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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