he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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