what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
