We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
