when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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