I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
They took my balls.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
