I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
