he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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