you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
