I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
