walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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