see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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