and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
