Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
