i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
