cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
