I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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