just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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