Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
