I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
